Director: Jon Chu
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Channing Tatum, and Bruce Willis
New Release Review
I can't believe we saw this in theatre. We were desperate to see something and March had been a month with little to offer in terms of decent movies. It was the last weekend of the month and there we were, stuck with nothing on our Spring 2013 Movie List and an incredible need to just be in the theatre, not caring what we were going to see.
This "sequel" starts with the G.I. Joes being framed for stealing nuclear warheads from Pakistan by Zartan who, as seen in the finale of the first film, is impersonating the American President. The team is attacked and eliminated, including Duke (Tatum), with Roadblock (Johnson), Flint (D.J. Cotrona) and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) as the only survivors.
Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) and Firefly (Ray Stevenson) attempt to rescue Cobra Commander (who is NOT being played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) from a futuristic prison in Germany. In a very random and unorganized scene, Storm Shadow is captured, to almost immediately after, break out and manage to rescue Cobra Commander. He is injured in the escape and heads, again randomly, to the Himalayas to recover. And then we are introduced to the Blind Master (RZA), the leader of the Arashikage Clan (the clan that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow grew up and studied in), sends Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and his apprentice Jinx (Elodie Yung) to capture Storm Shadow so that he can answer for the murder of the Hard Master (who we saw in a flash back in the first film, murdered by what was assumed to be a young Storm Shadow).
Branded as traitors and Enemies of the State, Roadblock, Flint and Lady Jaye return to the USA where they set up base in Roadblock's home town and plan to take down Zartan and the Cobra. Battles continue, cheesy lines are abundant and the already messy storyline continues until it's lame ending.
Can you tell that I did not enjoy this film in the slightest? Okay, maybe I am being too harsh. But it was awful. Bad acting. Bad writing. Bad fight scenes. Bad graphics. Bad everything!
Where the previous film (see our Throwback review here) tried to become more futuristic, this film tried to revert back to the original tactics that we all knew and loved from the G.l. Joe franchise. However, it failed miserably. The story had to be the worst part of the film. It jumped all over the place, never quite finding its way. Everything seemed to happen at random. There was no explanation (not that we always need one but is appreciated when new things seemingly "pop" up out of nowhere) as to why things were happening. They just did. It's almost like the writers had a free-for-all and took whatever ideas they all had, and mashed them up into one big, giant pile of crap.
The other major issue with this film is that it did not follow ANY of the storylines that were previously created in the first film. There was no mention of former Joe team members. They simply just weren't there. Sure, Tatum was included in the cast. But was killed off within the first 15 minutes of the film (which apparently was an extended appearance by Tatum than was originally planned). Never mind references the events that took place in the 2009 film.
The acting was so bad, it's not even worth mentioning. Don't be fooled: despite what the promotional material for this film showed, Willis is BARELY in the film. But I will give him this: the scenes he was in, were the best ones.
And why was this film in 3D? It definitely did not warrant a 3D conversion. From the 2D version that we saw, there was no point in having this film featured in 3D. Not one thing flew out at the screen. And there was nothing worth enhancing in terms of graphics. Enhancing them would only magnify this monstrosity.
Final Verdict: Skip it. Do I need to explain any further why? Simply a waste of time. Did the people behind this film spend the entire budget on converting it to 3D and securing action stars Willis and Johnson? Well, it wasn't worth it. And the comedic relief? Sure, we laughed. We laughed at how pathetic this latest Hasbro film was. Now YOU know, and knowing is half the battle.
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